This week, CultureMap published its list of the 10 hottest, most singlest men and women in Houston.
Once again, they failed to include me. Once again, I cried. I’m so single, my blood has been entirely replaced with Ben & Jerry’s and cat hair, and I’m more available than instances of the phrase “inner goddess” in 50 Shades of Grey.
But you know what? I don’t need CultureMap. I don’t need anyone. I have a blog, don’t I? As a modern, empowered, go-getting woman of the world, I’ll just write my own profile. And I’ll probably wind up marrying someone superultra famous, too! Someone better than anyone those total poseurs on the CultureMap article could ever hope to land! HA! HAHAHA!
Anyway, here it is. Tell all of your single or attached-and-openminded friends because I can’t live with this shame any longer, OK? OK.
Name: Meredith Nudo
Occupation: Copywriter/editor at A Marketing Firm
Hails from: Memphis, Tennessee
When she’s not cranking out blogs and social media posts and press releases and brochures and website copy at her day job, this fun-loving, temperamental Sicilian siren edits the comics section of local zine Space City Nerd and writes comics of her very own, often about the things she finds just so goshdarn frustrating about the world, like misogyny and racism. Ms. Nudo also occasionally tries her hand at comedy writing and screenwriting, but mostly winds up coming off as a pathetic shut-in who pats herself on the back regularly for ripping off Monty Python’s style.
She has no patience, no time, and all the social graces of a lobotomized bonobo. But that’s just part of her charm! That and the fact that she just cares so, so much.
It’s the worst thing about her. Really.
●Ideal mate: Look, I don’t see the need to outline the various traits I find attractive in a partner. Because here’s the thing. People are going to read this, and they’re going to latch onto one or two of the characteristics they feel they embody, solicit me, and then pitch a huge fit if I decide they probably aren’t right for me, because entitlement. I’m very much an, “I know it when I see it” type, OK? And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me for that, OK? I’m not a beggar, so I can afford to be a chooser, and there’s nothing wrong with having standards, OK? Just…back off me.
●Worst habit: I’ve grappled with generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression my entire life, which means I have a tendency to overanalyze situations and struggle with properly verbalizing my feelings for fear of not being understood and accidentally causing problems when other people glean the wrong meaning from what I’m trying to say whenever my brain decides it doesn’t want to produce a healthy amount of neurotransmitters. Which usually leads to me not properly verbalizing my feelings and accidentally causing problems when other people glean the wrong meaning from what I’m trying to say. Oh, and in the wintertime, I don’t like shaving my legs, because seriously I wear pants or opaque tights all the time and nobody sees my legs, so why does it even matter?! Also, I am a deeply, deeply empathic person and it’s a big issue, too, because it means I forget about me, like, all the time. But is that really a bad thing!? LOL!
●Hobbies: Netflix. Cheating on Netflix with Hulu+. Thinking about how I should probably go get my doctorate. Which, come to think of it, is also a pretty bad habit! I should just be happy with my master’s degree since that’s enough of a deal breaker for most men! I can’t be Dr. Aloneypants! ROTFLMAO!
●Biggest turn off: 1-ply toilet paper.
●Relationship deal breakers: Having petty, judgmental, or shallow relationship deal breakers that make no damn sense. Stocking 1-ply toilet paper.
●The scariest thing you’ve ever done: I like to think that I love living life on the edge, which is why I regularly cross the street in River Oaks. On foot.
●Pet peeves: I’ve been dumped twice for not being as attractive as other peoples’ girlfriends, so probably my biggest pet peeve is not taking time out of your busy day to lie to me about how I’m so much more attractive than other peoples’ girlfriends. Because I’m going to ask. Every day.
●Do you have any tattoos or piercings: Yes.
●Have you met anyone famous? Yes.
●You can’t help but spend money on: Food. Clothes. Household items. Bills. Mr. Creosote’s trips to the vet. My trips to the therapist.
●If you could change something about the world, what would it be? Well, Mindy Budgor beat me to showing those Maasai that women can be warriors, too, so I guess I think we should all go to underserved nations and teach them yoga so they have the inner peace needed to fix all of their problems and share their beautiful, sacred, closer-to-earth culture with all of us.
●Phobias: Being misunderstood. Dying and nobody notices for years and years and years and my body can’t be properly identified because it’s already a slurry by the time it’s found. Also snowmen.
●Would you rather regret doing something or not doing it? Is that something “eating tacos?” Because I never regret eating tacos.
●Your best characteristic: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.
●If you were given the day off from all of your everyday responsibilities, how would you spend it? I don’t understand this question, either.
●Your first famous crush: Bruce Campbell. Michael Palin. Petunia. If you could forward this profile to any of these people, I’d really appreciate it. I think I’m worth it! LOL!
●What kid were you in high school? A kid who was 10 or more years younger than I am now.